This site is about the helpless, hopeless,soul's seeking to finally know what Love truly is, and no matter what it looks, feels, or sounds like, that there's one that loves you with a Love like no other! And HIS NAME is JESUS!

The Road To Damaged 

So, here I Am. A 13 year old little girl. Out here in the streets, A runaway. Because it was safer for me in the streets than it was for me at home or so I thought. School was letting out for the summer and it was time for My graduation class to graduate from elementary school. I wanted to be with My class.I yearned for the excitement that came with the walking with my peers and singing our graduation song We’ve Only Just Begun! But I had ran away from home! And I felt like even if I went home my Mom was so mean she wasn’t going to buy my graduation outfit let alone pay for my cap and gown. But there was a girl that had graduated with My Brother the year before and she liked me. Someone told her about me and she sent someone to tell me to come to her house. Her name was Joyce. I’ll never forget her name because she was the first person that showed me any kindness that was a girl like I was. I went to her house because she lived in the same area that I frequented every day, And it was a quick walk to her house. She asked me why didn’t I want to go to my graduation? My eyes filled with tears and I told her that the truth. That I did want to go! But it would mean going back home to my mom’s house and she wouldn’t buy me a dress and shoes for my graduation or pay for my cap and gown! Do You Know what Joyce said to me? She said Cynthia if you don’t go to your first graduation you will regret it. And then Your probably won’t go to your high school graduation either is that what you want? Through my tears I shook my head no! Joyce then said ok, this is what I’ll do, I’ll pay for your cap and gown and your graduation outfit including your shoes if you will go home so you can be ready for your graduation. Will you do that Cynthia? I was terrified on the inside! Just the thought of going back to mom and her house NOT knowing what she might do to me, terrified me! Joyce must’ve seen it in My face because she said why are you so scared to go home? I just said I don’t know!! I was afraid to tell anyone about my mother because she always taught us not to tell anyone anything that happened in Our house! But, I did want to go to that prom so I told Joyce that I’d go home. You’re probably gonna find this hard to believe but as soon as I said that and she was walking me out her door, I walked right out her front door straight to my big brother. He goes uh huh! I knew if I walked around here long enough I’d find you. Bring yo but on home girl! I didn’t say one word, I just gave him a look of pure hatred because that’s how I felt about him at that moment! Joyce was saying don’t forget Cynthia I don’t make promises and then don’t keep them! I didn’t even turn around and acknowledged her because my thinking was she set me up! She didn’t. But that’s how I felt! 

Anywayz, all the way home my brother was talking to me about my running away and why did I do that. You know you had mom worried to death! I didn’t utter a mumbling word! In My mind I’m like yeah right sure she was worried that welfare would find out that a child had run away and she would get her check cut! That’s what I was thinking because I knew how much my Mom loved money! Far more than she loved me that’s for sure! As we got to the front of The house I stepped back a bit and My Brother said don’t worry she ain’t gone beat you she gon be to HAPPY to see You. Besides she didn’t know I was gonna see you and bring you home tonight. My brother hugged me, my eyes are filling up right now as I write this because it was very rare that HE showed me any kind of love and compassion. He said don’t worry ok? I said ok. He stuck the key in the,door and he and I walked in together and walked upstairs and into the living room where our mom sat watching tv and my Sister Shirley was the first to shout Cynthia! And reached out and hugged me and began to cry. I was crying too but I was also looking to see what my Mom was doing because I saw her getting up as my Sister was hugging me! My brother was right mom was happy to see me!! She hugged me and told me she missed me and she was so worried about me! And I booked down and cried like a baby because I loved my Mom And I would never do anything to worry her, or hurt her! I told her that I was sorry and that I would never do it again! She was satisfied with that. Everything was good for awhile.

I graduated from grammar school and started my freshman year at high school. Oh, And by the by, Joyce kept her word she came to the graduation with bags in hand to give me the outfit and she paid for the cap and gown which she was able to get her money back on that because Mom did buy my outfit, shoes and paid for cap and gown! But she didn’t come to the graduation! I was ok with that because she didn’t go to my brothers graduation either! My Mom didn’t even do PTA Meetings so I wasn’t surprised at All about graduation!!

And also, Mom had a baby in her belly at the time. She was pregnant with My Little baby brother and whenever my Mom was pregnant, she became quite ill. I mean bedridden ill. She couldn’t even find the strength to get up to go to the bathroom by herself. And if she did, she had to almost run down the hall before she threw up! That was for the first three to four months! Yup, You guessed it. Remember the story of the new house? She was pregnant by our landlord. So, She wasn’t on me too much if at all because she was happy! But whenever she’d get into one of her dark moods, I’d stay in me and my Sister room reading a book or watching tv. I remember mom was on her way to the bathroom one day and saw me looking in the mirror on Our dresser and for some reason it set her off on a tare! She said why are you looking in the mirror like that? Some pissy tail boy at school done told you you’re cute? I said no Mom. She said yeah that’s what it is some boy done told you that you cute and now you can’t stay out of the mirror! I got something for that! You just wait till I come out the bathroom! I started to panic! Is she really gonna beat me for looking in the mirror for what she believes is the reason? If she do, I knew I was leaving this time and I was NEVER, EVER, coming BACK!!

She came out of the bathroom and came into the bedroom where I was and went straight to the dresser and proceeded to take down the mirror and take it out of the room!! In My mind I’m thinking Oh My GOD! What’s wrong with her! And I was ok with that as long as she wasn’t hitting me! Oh, but she wasn’t done yet! She went and took the mirror into her bedroom and put it into her closet and was talking about me like a dog to my older brother and my little sister saying yeah I had to take the dam mirror out of Y’all room because your sister done let some pissy tail boy in school tell her she cute! Ah hoo! Like she is! She ain’t bitmo cute! So I took the mirror out so now she can’t be in the mirror thinking she cute when she ain’t! She never was and she never will be! That just broke My Heart into a million pieces! Why? Why did she hate me So? It was one if those times I wished that she had of beat me! Because her words cut through me like a knife! And the reason that I was in the mirror was because I was busting a bump on my face! But if you asked my Mom even to this day, she’d still stick to her story because that’s what she believed! 

It was that night that I waited for every one to go to sleep, and I got up and packed me a little bag of clothes two pair of shoes and the sneakers I had on My feet! I tipped down the hallway, down the steps and I made sure not to walk down the middle of the steps because they we’re wooden and they creaked. So, I walk close to the wall and they didn’t make a sound. My Biggest task would be the front door because it was made from heavy oak wood. And when you opened it those hinges would groan! But I slowly opened it just enough for me to squeeze through and softly close it behind me! I tip toed down the front steps and ran half way down the block l was giddy with laughter! I was free! And this time I was never going back! As I got to the corner there was A tire and Car repair shop there and one of My Mom’s exes worked there, he said hey Cynthia! My Heart froze I turned and waved and said hey how you doing! He said, alright,where are you going  So early in the morning! I said Mom is letting me go spend the day and the night with My best friend she moved to Elizabeth, there’s A carnival there this weekend and we’re gonna go to that as well! He said do you have enough money? I said well I have some, he said don’t worry about it, he reached in his pocket peaked back some bills and handed me a $10.00 Bill and said have a good time with your best friend this weekend! I said Thank You! And I didn’t know that I was gonna go to Elizabeth New Jersey to the Carnival with my friend because All that was true except for the going part! But when Mister gave me that ten spot off to Elizabeth I went!! And I never looked back or came back to live at 88 Vanderpool Street because to me that was the beginning of My road to Damage.

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